INSANITY

What is the definition of insanity again? Doing the same thing and expecting different results? Well, here I am. My life is fucking crazy around two things: money and food. I am in the hole at least 700 bucks (maybe more by now) and just ate a huge piece of apple pie and some peanut butter and honey (after my food day was complete).
How do I really feel? Like I can't count on myself. Like I am a loose-cannon who does self-destructive, childish things and then is pissed when the universe holds me accountable.
AARRRGGHH.
So what is the answer? 1, 2, and fucking 3.
So the powerless thing is easy, I'm sorta fucked. The coming to believe is harder. Do I believe that I can be restored to sanity around my money? Well, not really. Around my food? Not really. But you know the cool thing is that I felt that same way last year this time, but around my bulimia. I was sure that I would puke the rest of my life. And here I am, with 5 months clean. WOW.
So I know that I can be restored to sanity. I just need to remember during my days how insane I really am.
So let's redefine our abstinance, first with food. I will eat no more than 5 times a day. I will not eat past 7pm. I will not eat processed sugar. I will no longer combine raisins with nuts, or peanut butter with ANYTHING. As for the rest, following this plan above is good for me. I feel sure that with lots of exercise, I can lose my weight nice and slowly on this plan. Let me repeat it.
No more than 5 times a day
No processed sugars
no eating past 7pm
no combining raisins with nuts
no combining peanut butter with anything
Oh, and I am WELCOME to get a 3 dollar frozen yogurt everyday. with almonds.
As for the money?
that i will save for tomorrow.

My Fears are Unfounded. . .

Tonight we had a wonderful night. We went to a loadie party and met Matt's old friends. It started out pretty awkward, but soon enough, I had a good time. Then we went to a roller derby, which was also fun. Then we came back and Matt fell asleep on the couch. I told him a couple of times that it was time to go to bed, and he mumbled, "m hm." He didn't get up, and so I said, "let's go!" Then he said, "quit fucking buggin' me about it." At which point I said, "sleep like shit, fine, I don't care." Then he called me, but I snapped at him and walked away.
Now he is back on his computer, will probably fall asleep soon, and I will not get to sleep with him four nights in a row.
Bummer for me.
Fabu out

WTF?

Here I am again, on day 5 of the Master Cleanse. My food got so scary. Over eating and gaining weight. I topped out at 179, but that was in the evening, after I had eaten. I was planning to go on the Cleanse anyway, because I am SICK and FUCKING tired of thinking about what, when, how much and how I will eat. Am I gaining or losing? I am fat! I am not fat! Jesus. I just needed a fucking break. So here I am, on day 5. And I am remembering the last time, when on day 7 I weighed myself and I had lost only 3 pounds. I guess the real question is why the fuck am I doing this? I know, I know. I want to see if I can make decisions with my food and stick with them. But I wasn't counting on the whole shaky thing. That kinda sucks. I don't think I did any exercise last time I was on the Cleanse. Maybe that is what the shaking is about. In any case, I ain't eatin' tonight, so I am writing this to process those feelings. Sometimes when I come close to doing something but don't do it, I have an excess of energy in my body. And I seem to have this excess energy anyway. Last night, I was exhausted, but fairly humming with energy. I had what I have heard termed restless-leg syndrome. I had to do extensive yoga stretching just to sleep. And my true love was gone. Lame.
I am grateful, grateful to have not thrown up since Jan 27. What a miracle. And I have gained NO weight. I fluctuate between 175 and 179. So fucking what. I remember being over 200 pounds, and being so grateful when I went down under 200. So it is all relative. I could weigh 155 and feel totally skinny, then run into someone my height who would consider that weight grounds for suicide. So, I'm off the weight subject.
Fabu out

I don't get it. . .

Got into a major fight with my man two days ago, and just now started again for a second. I can't believe how fucking defensive he is. Two days ago, I got upset because he had no pictures of me on Facebook, and we got into a huge fight, because he felt criticized. Now, I am sitting on the couch trying to do my work, and Matt mentions my reading glasses. I know, or at least I think I know that he doesn't like them, but he swears that he didn't mean that. Of course, he won't tell me what he means, just starts being an asshole. I got mad and asked him to go in the other room, and he told me no, you. So then it escalates, and finally, after using his terrible tone of voice on me, he goes to leave the house. So I follow him, grab him and try what he tried with me. Held him, but it didn't work, he insulted me because I asked him to be nice, and I was extremely hurt. So I walked away, went in the bedroom and cried for a bit. Then I went and got my phone, glaring at him along the way. I lost my temper in the bathroom, kicking over the trashcan and throwing a fit. He left the house then, which is good. I now have no idea where he is, and I fucking don't care. I hate the way he talks when he gets defensive. Nasty and mean. So what do I do? NOT apologize, and NOT take my part. I am over that. I will take my part here. I could have believed him. I can't read his mind, and I could have just said that. But I got into my I know stuff, and that was it. I don't know what to do, I am sad and feel like there is no resolve. So we talked in IM a bit. At least I know he is coming home. But I could sure use some reasuring words. And there you go.
Stupid fucking fights
no resolve
are we going to destruct?

Universal Infinity

Nothing highlights my need for boundaries more than this irrational terror that I have about the universe being endless. Since I first learned about it, thinking about it has caused me a great deal of anxiety. If I don't divert my mind, I end up in outright terror. What is it about the concept of endlessness that is so scary? My life is finite. I was born, and grew up. Now I am aging and someday I will die. So that isn't quite as scary. All of those are knowns. But this endlessness. This vision of galaxy upon galaxy, or minerals unlimited, of masses and swirling vortexes that have no beginning and no end? Jesus! It makes me so scared.
How do scientists purport to 'map' this endlessness? Seems ridiculous to me. How do you plan for the unaccountable? How do you schedule infinity?
I had to write this, because it is one of the constant hints about me that is revealing. I get sooo upset when I think about it. Always have. I do think that was why when someone told me about God when I was young, I immediately thought that that sounded like a great idea. A God as big as the unending universe? Maybe that could keep me safe. If God is as big as the universe, then maybe God can help me conquer some of my own demons. Just maybe.
Fabu out.

I weigh 176!

Jesus!
I am terrified right now. All of the weight demons are chasing me, with drooling fangs and sharpened, 22 inch claws. They are out to destroy me! They will not stop until I am 250lbs.

God help me! I vow to not eat past 7pm, period!
I vow to only eat raisins for breakfast, period!
I vow to eat no more than 1600 calories in a day, period!

These goals will keep me safe for awhile.

In any case. I am triggered by Matt having lost weight. He looks thin! Can you imagine? He is really thin. He probably weighs around 190. Crazy.
So it makes me feel strange, like he will start putting pressure on me to loose weight also. Like he will look at me and feel disgusted by my chub.
I love being neurotic.

Well, I have my vows. We shall see how it goes.

Mother's Day

Hi all,
All being me and all the myriad parts of myself that are so divided. I was reading over my earlier blogs, and I wrote something very deep. I said that my dis-ease had painted me into a corner. On the one hand, I feel deeply anxious and ashamed when I vomit, and on the other hand, I feel The Wanting.
You know what? I am slowly creating a third state: that of not focusing so much on my food. Even, dare I dream, of not focusing so much on myself. In a meeting recently, someone said that growing out of narcissism is not about thinking less of yourself, but of thinking of yourself less. So these days I am focusing on getting up and doing something, rather than pondering myself and all of the things I dislike about myself. I also notice that the more I contemplete these things, the more things I notice that I dislike. Difficult, because that means that there are virtually endless qualities about myself that I find lacking. When, however, I let myself alone, I begin to feel more and more accepting of myself.
Education should be, and is becoming, my passion. These kids need an education, and I must conquer my own fear that there are certain kids that cannot learn. Not that they are incapable intellectually, but that their lifestyles, family systems, neighborhoods, and histories make this unlikely. What does that mean? That I don't necessarily believe that every kid will get an education. DO I think each kids deserves an education? Of course. There is no child, regardless of their cognitive, emotional, or behavioral issues, that I would point to and say, "not him." But it is not realistic to think that we can really educate all. It is sort of like owning a house. Even if all were capable of this (I submit that they are not), thanks to overpopulation, there are not enough houses for all. Not enough BY FAR.
In any case, my title for this blog is Mother's Day. So, Happy Mother's Day to all.
Fabu out.