REALITY BITES, but barfs right afterwards. . .

So I just threw up that huge binge, after reading that laxatives only stimulate your bowels, but do not do anything about the food you ingested. I feel euphoric, of course, because that STUFFED, I am getting HUGE feeling is gone.
But I don't wanna be an active bulimic anymore. I hate this eating disorder. I hate it and I need help. But where and from whom? I don't know.
I guess I really do know. I will go back to FA. That is my last hope for recovery from my food addiction. It is either get better, or go back to either morbid obesity or active bulimia.
I need prayers and help.
God? I have so much to be grateful for. I am healthy physically, I have lots of stuff. But I don't have any relationship of trust with myself. No wonder I think Matt will betray me! I CONSTANTLY betray myself. I hurt myself everyday by eating food I don't want that makes me gain weight. I hurt myself with self-destructive and avoidant behaviors around money. I hurt myself with my rage against others, mostly my baby boy. I am so desperatelyunhappy with myself. And maybe the truth is that I need to find peace first, then food recovery next. I don't know.
Fabu out

God! Tag! You're it!!

I am super unhappy right this second. I just had a MONSTER binge. I have been eating sugar just like I can, and having occasional binges that shake the bulimic rafters SO badly that I cannot believe that I actually haven't barfed. I have fucked with laxatives, tonight in fact. And I NEVER weigh myself.
I am actually THRILLED right now. I know what I need to do (eat a foodplan WITHOUT sugar of any kind, besides fruit) and I didn't throw up. I just keep thinking, if I throw up, I am still gonna be chubby, still gonna be desperate, and will have the additional issue of having RELAPSED.
Not that what I ate tonight could be considered anything less than a relapse. I guess the real point is that I am willing to give myself over to God and FEEL the awful feeling of being sick from carbs and sugar. . .
Fabu out