So I just threw up that huge binge, after reading that laxatives only stimulate your bowels, but do not do anything about the food you ingested. I feel euphoric, of course, because that STUFFED, I am getting HUGE feeling is gone.
But I don't wanna be an active bulimic anymore. I hate this eating disorder. I hate it and I need help. But where and from whom? I don't know.
I guess I really do know. I will go back to FA. That is my last hope for recovery from my food addiction. It is either get better, or go back to either morbid obesity or active bulimia.
I need prayers and help.
God? I have so much to be grateful for. I am healthy physically, I have lots of stuff. But I don't have any relationship of trust with myself. No wonder I think Matt will betray me! I CONSTANTLY betray myself. I hurt myself everyday by eating food I don't want that makes me gain weight. I hurt myself with self-destructive and avoidant behaviors around money. I hurt myself with my rage against others, mostly my baby boy. I am so desperatelyunhappy with myself. And maybe the truth is that I need to find peace first, then food recovery next. I don't know.
Fabu out
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