I am filled with pain, courage, and a deep and penetrating feeling of sadness and loss that switches out with an amazement that I am alive at all. . .

Oh boy,
I love writing this blog as though people are actually reading it. I am bulimia free today, but only a week. I have thrown up 5 times since I quit a year ago. I am STILL abstinant. Know why? Because each time I have thrown up, I have lost so much ground with ED, that I remember it the next time I want to. The truth is that I don't need to over eat, and if I do, I don't need to throw up. If I do, then I will eat to feel less sick and shaky, and then I will overeat for days as I readjust.
So. My beautiful Matt and I broke up. Which is a miracle. I would have stayed, had he not started pulling away. But he did, and here we are, broken up a month ago yesterday. How I adore him, how I DON'T miss him. I miss the sex, for sure. I miss my fantasy (I have spent HOURS sobbing over that loss), but not him. Because, we don't really do very well together. I blame him, he blames me (I think we both really blame ourselves) but we can't communicate. Period.
I recognize this: I need healing around my father's absence and abandonment of me. I bring that HUGE pain to every relationship with a man, and ask them to fix it. And they do, for aminute. And then I hate them for FAILING at something they had no power over in the first place. And they HATE me for expecting something impossible of them. I know that men tend to need to be able to fix things, and I need them to. But it is impossible. My pain is about THAT man. And my shame. I feel such a HUGE amount of shame over my part in the demise of this relationship. And yet. Was it doomed from the beginning? I think so. Can two RADICALLY different conflict resolvers live in peace? Maybe, but not us. So I am SAD, and I grieve. But I do so with my arms wide open, and with this as my prayer: "I am open to feeling joy! I am open to having my story about this breakup change and shift! I am open to a feeling of gratitude and an excitement about the future!" What is really cool about this is that I am also open to the pain. But not to wallowing in it. . .
I wish more people read this! I wish I was making some kind of an impact. But I guess the impact is on me~!
Love me!
Deborah