The Break-up Diary Day One

No folks, it isn't day one. In fact, I have no idea what fucking day of this break up this is. All I know is that it is hella fucking confusing and upsetting still. And if I am honest, it isn't not being with him, it is that I was given up on. I feel soooo abandoned.
Here is the email that I wrote to him, then deleted.,
I am warning you now that I am going to say things you don't like, so feel free to delete this without reading it. I am writing it for me, anyway.

Don't judge me for the way I process. You don't have to like it. You bailed on us. Totally, and now I am PISSED. Too much contact with you makes me sgtart thinking about how you promised so many fucking things. How you said that we would have this same fight a thousand times, how you would never leave me. You must have said that to me 100 times. And I STOPPED telling you we should break up, because I had given my commitment. And you left. Damn astrology, damn your issues, damn you. You will have this happen, as it has repeatedly, until you face that YOU have no capacity for REAL relationships. NONE. The minute the shine is off, you start to back away. God forbid anyone tell Matt Martin anything he doesn't wanna hear, you will leave them forever. And your hundreds of superficial relationships only insulate you from your core loneliness. Don't you SEE that?
But that is all your choice. You do what you want. Keep your foolish romantic ideals and dive into relationship after relationship and bleed more women with your passion and adoration, and then your emotional abandonment. Fuck, you have how many notches on your belt already?
So, while you helped me, changed me, AFFECTED me, I was nothing to you. Do you know how that feels? And that may very well not be true, but you never COMMUNICATED my importance, which was the crux of my anxiety the whole fucking time. From the moment you shared your sex addiction, and completely judged me for being scared. God, you thought that was selfish of ME? How about sharing something like that with no care how it would affect someone you claim to love.
You want to know the truth? You can't stand having true IMPACT on anyone. Yet you seek it, attract it, seem to CRAVE it. You used to walk into the house in some FOUL mood, blurting obscenities and slamming doors, and then be pissed that it was upsetting. Jesus Matt, don't you see how ridiculous that is? How can that NOT affect the people around you?
I really gave myself to you, partly because you coaxed me into believing that we could make it work. And then the stupid Dallas crew was more important than me, Holloween was more important than me. Raw food clubs were more important than the relationship. Anything that distracted you from your own fucking misery was preferable to me, who was still living in the fantasy that we were gonna be a we. The threesome that was so fun, even that now seems yucky. You won't talk about ANYTHING with me, because you don't like how I answer you. You have told me now, many times, that the problem is me. Yes, you have. You told Brittany, "we get along fine if I don't talk." Are you fucking delusional? We fight because the VERY first thing you hear that you don't like, you shut down and begin emotional abuse. So many things you have said ring in my ears and hurt me. I feel judged and misused. You think the girl you fell in love with is gone? Fuck, I'm right here!! And where are you? Who are you 'mesmerized' by today?
I hate this breakup. I feel like a fool for believing that you would really hang in there with me. It is too late, so don't think I'm asking you for anything. I'm not. I know that I am now the past, and that you never go back.\
Deborah