I was at an FA meeting when I first got 'clean', and I heard the most wonderful nugget. I have added to it and embelished it for artistry.
A starving man sat on the sidewalk, fists clenched tightly around two small scraps of bread, his last morsel of food. He silently lifted his eyes to the Heavens, and prayed for deliverance from the Hell of his life.
God appeared to him, and asked, "what is it that troubles you, son?" The starving man stared in wonder at God, and said, "I am starving, too afraid to eat my remaining food, and too weak to attempt to get anything else to eat." God smiled lovingly at the man, and said, "You are stronger than you think! You brought me here! Now, give me your hands, and I will heal you." The starving man looked down at his clenched fists, and slowly raised them towards God. "I can't let my food go!" He sobbed the words, arms raised in supplication, food clutched still. God again smiled, because God loves us regardless of our behavior. He put one hand on top of the clenched fist of the starving man, and said, "Let go. You are cared for."
The starving man began to weep anew at these words. His fists spasmed, as though he were trying to convince himself that he would survive. "Let go, I will care for you." God remained touching the man gently on top of his clenched fists, smiling at him. He seemed so sure that the man would be alright. Slowly, oh so slowly, the starving man began to loosen his grip. As he did, God slipped a hand in each of the man's, and pulled him to his feet. He took the scraps of bread, and placed them on the ground, generous lunch for smaller beings. God turned the starving man around by the shoulders, and before them sat a small hut. God guided the man into the hut, and there was a bounty of food. Chicken, apples, bread and fruit of all kinds. The man fell to the feast. God let him eat for a few moments, then pulled him gently away from the table. "Easy, my son. This is a magical table, and will remain full for you as long as you are humble, grateful and hardworking. " God smiled a final time, and disappeared.
Fabu out.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
This is fucking ridiculous!!
Dear Fucking Diary,
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I feel abandoned by Matt. He triggered my jealousy by a conversation he had with a coworker today. I heard warmth in his voice, and felt jealous. He didn't want to talk to me about what went on at work, and his tone to me has been matter-of-fact all day.
So my feelings are hurt. So fucking what. I got my computer and came in the bedroom to get away from him, and here he is! Oh well.
Too bad for me. The good news is that I remain abstinant. Still no vomiting. I got off of the cleanse fairly decently. I did overeat some, but not too much. Mostly my standard (these days) raisins and almonds. It was hard mostly because I wanted so badly to lose weight, and I weighed myself on day 7, and I was a whole fucking 3 pounds down. So discouraging. I put the scale upstairs. I have no business ever getting on it. It is bad for me.
I feel anxious. Looking for the bad thing. Is it SSU? My job? My relationship with Matt? What is heading to Hell?
I wonder at my own propensity for being scared. So hard for me when Matt shuts down. Just hard. And I try and be loving about it, but I am stricken with fear about our future. My shit, I know.
What a trip I am today. Just yesterday, I was the observer, and today I am IN my shit. Yesterday I felt loved and confident. I was ok, and didn't look at my partner to convince me of my worth, or to prove his love to me. He did make me dinner, after all.
I am powerless. I can say what I don't like, and then I gotta let it go.
Boo hoo. I feel sad and fucked up. I am supposed to be 'purging' by writing this, but I don't feel particularly relieved. I feel concerned about how I will handle my feelings. I know how he will handle his: he will shut up, and shut down. I, on the other hand, have options. I can say my peace and attempt to take care of myself. Which is what I did tonight. '
The real issue is that I make these moments mean something. Which they don't. They really don't mean anything. Just that he is the opposite of me, but no less deserving of my compassion and respect. Which I can also demand from him.
So, that is the victory. I win. My love really is unconditional. It does not depend upon people giving me attention. I love.
Fabu out
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I feel abandoned by Matt. He triggered my jealousy by a conversation he had with a coworker today. I heard warmth in his voice, and felt jealous. He didn't want to talk to me about what went on at work, and his tone to me has been matter-of-fact all day.
So my feelings are hurt. So fucking what. I got my computer and came in the bedroom to get away from him, and here he is! Oh well.
Too bad for me. The good news is that I remain abstinant. Still no vomiting. I got off of the cleanse fairly decently. I did overeat some, but not too much. Mostly my standard (these days) raisins and almonds. It was hard mostly because I wanted so badly to lose weight, and I weighed myself on day 7, and I was a whole fucking 3 pounds down. So discouraging. I put the scale upstairs. I have no business ever getting on it. It is bad for me.
I feel anxious. Looking for the bad thing. Is it SSU? My job? My relationship with Matt? What is heading to Hell?
I wonder at my own propensity for being scared. So hard for me when Matt shuts down. Just hard. And I try and be loving about it, but I am stricken with fear about our future. My shit, I know.
What a trip I am today. Just yesterday, I was the observer, and today I am IN my shit. Yesterday I felt loved and confident. I was ok, and didn't look at my partner to convince me of my worth, or to prove his love to me. He did make me dinner, after all.
I am powerless. I can say what I don't like, and then I gotta let it go.
Boo hoo. I feel sad and fucked up. I am supposed to be 'purging' by writing this, but I don't feel particularly relieved. I feel concerned about how I will handle my feelings. I know how he will handle his: he will shut up, and shut down. I, on the other hand, have options. I can say my peace and attempt to take care of myself. Which is what I did tonight. '
The real issue is that I make these moments mean something. Which they don't. They really don't mean anything. Just that he is the opposite of me, but no less deserving of my compassion and respect. Which I can also demand from him.
So, that is the victory. I win. My love really is unconditional. It does not depend upon people giving me attention. I love.
Fabu out
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wow! Day 53. I skip so many days, but I feel it's important for me to write today because I am on day 5 of The Master Cleanse, and am feeling overwhelmed at this second with rebellious feelings of deprival, abuse, 'no fun!', etc.
I am such a compulsive overeater, that I struggle to put the food down, period. I am doing this because I want change in my food behaviors. Food and yummyness is not all there is to life, I am sure of it, yet that is how I have lived much of my life. I float from one 'treat' to another, as though even being on the planet is not treat enough.
I am shaky and a bit bummed today, and yesterday I was euphoric. I am in The Wanting, because I am hungry.
It is going to be so important to come off of this thing carefully, so I am not sent into a spiral of binging and, let's face it, purging.
I keep thinking of specific types of foods, foods that I cannot imagine eating without vomiting, like pesto, alfredo, etc. And I think, so I can never have these again? 'Cause if I did, I would have to puke. But really, there are so many ultra yummy things to eat that I don't have to vomit up, and that is what I need to focus on.
So, my fear is that I will come off of this and lose it, like I did coming off of the rice and fruit diet in 1996. Some key differences are that in those days, I binged daily. Today, I am a bit more accustomed to watching my food and taking care to eat for health. Those days, I was miserable in a relationship where I felt mostlly hate for my partner. TOday, I have a loving partner who, though not perfect, surprises me all the time with his love and committment. Those days, I was not hopeful about my recovery, but felt stuck and angry. Today I am in Alanon, and I am free.
So, I guess that debunks all that shit.
Another issue is that the weekend is now, and I want to have fun. To me, fun means that I eat something yummy. This weekend, being at school will actually be sorta helpful. I can stay busy and cleanse as I do that. Today is day 5, tomorrow day 6, and I should be feeling no pain by Sunday.
After all, I have my whole life to eat delicious and healthy food. For today, my gift to myself is having this experience in its entirety.
Fabu out.
I am such a compulsive overeater, that I struggle to put the food down, period. I am doing this because I want change in my food behaviors. Food and yummyness is not all there is to life, I am sure of it, yet that is how I have lived much of my life. I float from one 'treat' to another, as though even being on the planet is not treat enough.
I am shaky and a bit bummed today, and yesterday I was euphoric. I am in The Wanting, because I am hungry.
It is going to be so important to come off of this thing carefully, so I am not sent into a spiral of binging and, let's face it, purging.
I keep thinking of specific types of foods, foods that I cannot imagine eating without vomiting, like pesto, alfredo, etc. And I think, so I can never have these again? 'Cause if I did, I would have to puke. But really, there are so many ultra yummy things to eat that I don't have to vomit up, and that is what I need to focus on.
So, my fear is that I will come off of this and lose it, like I did coming off of the rice and fruit diet in 1996. Some key differences are that in those days, I binged daily. Today, I am a bit more accustomed to watching my food and taking care to eat for health. Those days, I was miserable in a relationship where I felt mostlly hate for my partner. TOday, I have a loving partner who, though not perfect, surprises me all the time with his love and committment. Those days, I was not hopeful about my recovery, but felt stuck and angry. Today I am in Alanon, and I am free.
So, I guess that debunks all that shit.
Another issue is that the weekend is now, and I want to have fun. To me, fun means that I eat something yummy. This weekend, being at school will actually be sorta helpful. I can stay busy and cleanse as I do that. Today is day 5, tomorrow day 6, and I should be feeling no pain by Sunday.
After all, I have my whole life to eat delicious and healthy food. For today, my gift to myself is having this experience in its entirety.
Fabu out.
Friday, March 13, 2009
If You Only Knew. . .
Welcome to day 47 of my bulimia-free lifestyle. I am grateful, yet inundated with the compulsion to avoid. I want to avoid work, avoid studying, avoid my boss, avoid my responsibilities to my son, avoid. In fact, I am so busy avoiding everything that I am playing computer pool all hours of the night. I will be getting off of this blog soon to go and play.
A few days ago I had a terrible dream. In it, Matt (my fiancee) had broken up with me, and the dream began that I was semi-flirting with another man, when the thought occured to me that if we were really broken up, I could do more than flirt. So I called him. A woman answered, and I asked her to get him. He came to the phone, and I asked him, "are we done?" He said, "yep, I'm done." I felt devastated. The scene morphed, and I was approaching our apartment (strange, because we own a house! Actually, he pays half all of the bills, but the house is in my name). I went in and saw a woman, dumpy and only slightly cute, and older. She was laughing at something that Matt had said. He walked towards her, big smile on his face. I walked past them to where Brittany was standing by Colin in the kitchen (these are my step-kids). They were super casual, and we talked about them getting used to another woman. At some point, I asked the other woman if she and Matt were dating. She giggled and said yes, that she had gotten a very cute outfit for last night. The panic and pain increased in my heart. I walked in to the kitchen, and saw pictures of me covering the walls. I said, "it is weird that I am all over the walls." I then walked upstairs and looked at our bedroom. It was so messy, with my stuff all over the place. I grabbed a few things, the pain in my chest becoming unbearable. I walked downstairs and saw Matt and her walk into the bedroom together. I walked out the door and began walking down the street. Such loss. Such pain. I thought to call my mom and have her tell the family. In my dream, I thought of a conversation that Melanie and I had the other day, where I told her that Matt would stay with me forever. I felt humiliated and devastated. I thought of his warm hands rubbing my back as he hugged me, and I felt my heart break. I couldn't cry, so tried to call me mom, to start the cycle of The Breakup. Then I woke up, and realized that all was ok, and that I had been dreaming. I felt Matt's warm butt on mine, and I rolled over, groaning about my terrible dream. He comforted me some, still half-asleep. He said, "no-one is going anywhere." His words are always so consistent. The relief was peppered with the feeling that I had lost something. Whew. The whole day, I felt as though I had had something terrible happen to me. Jeez.
More later.
Fabu
A few days ago I had a terrible dream. In it, Matt (my fiancee) had broken up with me, and the dream began that I was semi-flirting with another man, when the thought occured to me that if we were really broken up, I could do more than flirt. So I called him. A woman answered, and I asked her to get him. He came to the phone, and I asked him, "are we done?" He said, "yep, I'm done." I felt devastated. The scene morphed, and I was approaching our apartment (strange, because we own a house! Actually, he pays half all of the bills, but the house is in my name). I went in and saw a woman, dumpy and only slightly cute, and older. She was laughing at something that Matt had said. He walked towards her, big smile on his face. I walked past them to where Brittany was standing by Colin in the kitchen (these are my step-kids). They were super casual, and we talked about them getting used to another woman. At some point, I asked the other woman if she and Matt were dating. She giggled and said yes, that she had gotten a very cute outfit for last night. The panic and pain increased in my heart. I walked in to the kitchen, and saw pictures of me covering the walls. I said, "it is weird that I am all over the walls." I then walked upstairs and looked at our bedroom. It was so messy, with my stuff all over the place. I grabbed a few things, the pain in my chest becoming unbearable. I walked downstairs and saw Matt and her walk into the bedroom together. I walked out the door and began walking down the street. Such loss. Such pain. I thought to call my mom and have her tell the family. In my dream, I thought of a conversation that Melanie and I had the other day, where I told her that Matt would stay with me forever. I felt humiliated and devastated. I thought of his warm hands rubbing my back as he hugged me, and I felt my heart break. I couldn't cry, so tried to call me mom, to start the cycle of The Breakup. Then I woke up, and realized that all was ok, and that I had been dreaming. I felt Matt's warm butt on mine, and I rolled over, groaning about my terrible dream. He comforted me some, still half-asleep. He said, "no-one is going anywhere." His words are always so consistent. The relief was peppered with the feeling that I had lost something. Whew. The whole day, I felt as though I had had something terrible happen to me. Jeez.
More later.
Fabu
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
WTF????
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
I am ridiculous! I tried for two weeks to access my blog to post more notes of note :), but temporarily forgot my password. So I started a new stupid blog, but inexplicably couldn't cope with setting it up.
Wow. I amaze myself. I suppose that many people do thoughtless and silly things, but I always surprise myself because I don't expect MYself to. Why that is? I surely don't know. I am always amused after I get over the inconvenience of whatever airheaded move I have made. Last month, I neglected to get a fix-it ticket taken care of, and it cost my almost $400. My son't friend's mom told me the other day that her son told her that I was rich. Ha! Rich compared to whom?
In any case, this is my 37th day of abstinance from bulimia, in any form. AWE-FUCKING-SOME. I am a new woman. Of course, I am taking a cold-medicine pill some days to help with the cravings, and I am a bit crazy in my head about much of this process, but the real point is that I am living again with the consequences of my food choices. It is very empowering. I won't sugar-coat it: my pink cloud is gone. I wanted to binge on white cake very badly today. I even romanced it for a minute. I miss the zero accountability of the out and out binge and vomit session. I am not responsible for what and how much I eat, I get it all over my clothes and whatever I am sitting on. And then I PUKE. Love that. How sick am I? Boy-howdy.
I am scared, anxious, pissed, and confused. Mostly anxious. How the fuck am I really gonna eat in a healthy way? And how the fuck can I ever stop the COMPULSION? I sure fucking hate it. The WANTING.
I am sorry for my absence, but apparently my idiot attack is over.
More later,
Fabu
I am ridiculous! I tried for two weeks to access my blog to post more notes of note :), but temporarily forgot my password. So I started a new stupid blog, but inexplicably couldn't cope with setting it up.
Wow. I amaze myself. I suppose that many people do thoughtless and silly things, but I always surprise myself because I don't expect MYself to. Why that is? I surely don't know. I am always amused after I get over the inconvenience of whatever airheaded move I have made. Last month, I neglected to get a fix-it ticket taken care of, and it cost my almost $400. My son't friend's mom told me the other day that her son told her that I was rich. Ha! Rich compared to whom?
In any case, this is my 37th day of abstinance from bulimia, in any form. AWE-FUCKING-SOME. I am a new woman. Of course, I am taking a cold-medicine pill some days to help with the cravings, and I am a bit crazy in my head about much of this process, but the real point is that I am living again with the consequences of my food choices. It is very empowering. I won't sugar-coat it: my pink cloud is gone. I wanted to binge on white cake very badly today. I even romanced it for a minute. I miss the zero accountability of the out and out binge and vomit session. I am not responsible for what and how much I eat, I get it all over my clothes and whatever I am sitting on. And then I PUKE. Love that. How sick am I? Boy-howdy.
I am scared, anxious, pissed, and confused. Mostly anxious. How the fuck am I really gonna eat in a healthy way? And how the fuck can I ever stop the COMPULSION? I sure fucking hate it. The WANTING.
I am sorry for my absence, but apparently my idiot attack is over.
More later,
Fabu
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