If You Only Knew. . .

Welcome to day 47 of my bulimia-free lifestyle. I am grateful, yet inundated with the compulsion to avoid. I want to avoid work, avoid studying, avoid my boss, avoid my responsibilities to my son, avoid. In fact, I am so busy avoiding everything that I am playing computer pool all hours of the night. I will be getting off of this blog soon to go and play.
A few days ago I had a terrible dream. In it, Matt (my fiancee) had broken up with me, and the dream began that I was semi-flirting with another man, when the thought occured to me that if we were really broken up, I could do more than flirt. So I called him. A woman answered, and I asked her to get him. He came to the phone, and I asked him, "are we done?" He said, "yep, I'm done." I felt devastated. The scene morphed, and I was approaching our apartment (strange, because we own a house! Actually, he pays half all of the bills, but the house is in my name). I went in and saw a woman, dumpy and only slightly cute, and older. She was laughing at something that Matt had said. He walked towards her, big smile on his face. I walked past them to where Brittany was standing by Colin in the kitchen (these are my step-kids). They were super casual, and we talked about them getting used to another woman. At some point, I asked the other woman if she and Matt were dating. She giggled and said yes, that she had gotten a very cute outfit for last night. The panic and pain increased in my heart. I walked in to the kitchen, and saw pictures of me covering the walls. I said, "it is weird that I am all over the walls." I then walked upstairs and looked at our bedroom. It was so messy, with my stuff all over the place. I grabbed a few things, the pain in my chest becoming unbearable. I walked downstairs and saw Matt and her walk into the bedroom together. I walked out the door and began walking down the street. Such loss. Such pain. I thought to call my mom and have her tell the family. In my dream, I thought of a conversation that Melanie and I had the other day, where I told her that Matt would stay with me forever. I felt humiliated and devastated. I thought of his warm hands rubbing my back as he hugged me, and I felt my heart break. I couldn't cry, so tried to call me mom, to start the cycle of The Breakup. Then I woke up, and realized that all was ok, and that I had been dreaming. I felt Matt's warm butt on mine, and I rolled over, groaning about my terrible dream. He comforted me some, still half-asleep. He said, "no-one is going anywhere." His words are always so consistent. The relief was peppered with the feeling that I had lost something. Whew. The whole day, I felt as though I had had something terrible happen to me. Jeez.
More later.
Fabu