This is fucking ridiculous!!

Dear Fucking Diary,
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I feel abandoned by Matt. He triggered my jealousy by a conversation he had with a coworker today. I heard warmth in his voice, and felt jealous. He didn't want to talk to me about what went on at work, and his tone to me has been matter-of-fact all day.
So my feelings are hurt. So fucking what. I got my computer and came in the bedroom to get away from him, and here he is! Oh well.
Too bad for me. The good news is that I remain abstinant. Still no vomiting. I got off of the cleanse fairly decently. I did overeat some, but not too much. Mostly my standard (these days) raisins and almonds. It was hard mostly because I wanted so badly to lose weight, and I weighed myself on day 7, and I was a whole fucking 3 pounds down. So discouraging. I put the scale upstairs. I have no business ever getting on it. It is bad for me.
I feel anxious. Looking for the bad thing. Is it SSU? My job? My relationship with Matt? What is heading to Hell?
I wonder at my own propensity for being scared. So hard for me when Matt shuts down. Just hard. And I try and be loving about it, but I am stricken with fear about our future. My shit, I know.
What a trip I am today. Just yesterday, I was the observer, and today I am IN my shit. Yesterday I felt loved and confident. I was ok, and didn't look at my partner to convince me of my worth, or to prove his love to me. He did make me dinner, after all.
I am powerless. I can say what I don't like, and then I gotta let it go.
Boo hoo. I feel sad and fucked up. I am supposed to be 'purging' by writing this, but I don't feel particularly relieved. I feel concerned about how I will handle my feelings. I know how he will handle his: he will shut up, and shut down. I, on the other hand, have options. I can say my peace and attempt to take care of myself. Which is what I did tonight. '
The real issue is that I make these moments mean something. Which they don't. They really don't mean anything. Just that he is the opposite of me, but no less deserving of my compassion and respect. Which I can also demand from him.
So, that is the victory. I win. My love really is unconditional. It does not depend upon people giving me attention. I love.
Fabu out