Wow! Day 53. I skip so many days, but I feel it's important for me to write today because I am on day 5 of The Master Cleanse, and am feeling overwhelmed at this second with rebellious feelings of deprival, abuse, 'no fun!', etc.
I am such a compulsive overeater, that I struggle to put the food down, period. I am doing this because I want change in my food behaviors. Food and yummyness is not all there is to life, I am sure of it, yet that is how I have lived much of my life. I float from one 'treat' to another, as though even being on the planet is not treat enough.
I am shaky and a bit bummed today, and yesterday I was euphoric. I am in The Wanting, because I am hungry.
It is going to be so important to come off of this thing carefully, so I am not sent into a spiral of binging and, let's face it, purging.
I keep thinking of specific types of foods, foods that I cannot imagine eating without vomiting, like pesto, alfredo, etc. And I think, so I can never have these again? 'Cause if I did, I would have to puke. But really, there are so many ultra yummy things to eat that I don't have to vomit up, and that is what I need to focus on.
So, my fear is that I will come off of this and lose it, like I did coming off of the rice and fruit diet in 1996. Some key differences are that in those days, I binged daily. Today, I am a bit more accustomed to watching my food and taking care to eat for health. Those days, I was miserable in a relationship where I felt mostlly hate for my partner. TOday, I have a loving partner who, though not perfect, surprises me all the time with his love and committment. Those days, I was not hopeful about my recovery, but felt stuck and angry. Today I am in Alanon, and I am free.
So, I guess that debunks all that shit.
Another issue is that the weekend is now, and I want to have fun. To me, fun means that I eat something yummy. This weekend, being at school will actually be sorta helpful. I can stay busy and cleanse as I do that. Today is day 5, tomorrow day 6, and I should be feeling no pain by Sunday.
After all, I have my whole life to eat delicious and healthy food. For today, my gift to myself is having this experience in its entirety.
Fabu out.