Wow

I just read the last two posts, and I wonder if I am a multiple personality. Seriously. The first is this authentic, pain-filled woman, not blaming, just living in the truth of an ending/new beginning. I even called the break-up a miracle, and Matt my beautiful. And then I wrote a SCATHING email, still trying to get him to SEE. Progress is that I didn't send it.
So I am all of these things, feel all of these things, live all of these truths. And am confused, sad, angry, hopeful (about future men, not Matt), scared, anxious, baffled, and battered.
I had a fight with Rhiannon. It was brutal, and I will never be her friend again. She went for my jugular with her cruel words and ridiculous accusations. And I lost my temper and jumped in the mud with her. What can I do to make sure that I NEVER have to act like that again? I hate that me. When I get super angry, I shake, and am totally incapable of controlling my words. When it is over, I am invariably filled with shame and fear. What have I broken this time?
In truth, I think that my break-up with Matt has a lot to do with my rage. Which is not to say that if I hadn't done that we would have made it. Matt would have found a way to destroy us no matter what. I have this feeling that true intimacy is IMPOSSIBLE for him.
Ok, not for me to judge. Moving on!
Fabu out!