Here we are, at day 10 of my new, binge-vomit-free lifestyle. Nice. And I thought it would never happen.
I have, for years, felt so powerless over my own emotions and compulsions, that I thought I had no choice but to act out on them. Today I realize that I can have a different life experience than one of self-destruction and shame. I am worth having a serene and fun and interesting and RICH life, one not ruled by an eating disorder that demands I do things I no longer wish to do. And I truly do not wish to binge and vomit today. I am replete in my lovely meals, I am enjoy eating in a way that lets me move on. I am not obsessing on calories, nor am I obsessing on thinking through the list of everything I have eaten each day. All that ever did was either freak me out, if I thought I had eaten too much, or give me permission to eat more, if I thought I had not eaten that much.
I am having a great experience right now. Not that it isn't painful. I have stuff come up that is confusing and upsetting. I have feelings of displacement and anxiety that seem without trigger event.
Yesterday in a 12-step meeting, I was looking around the room and evaluating everyone. Not negatively, but still, feeling the compulsion, as I often do, to label all people in my immediate vicinity. I wondered, out of the blue, why I do this. Who hired me to evaluate everyone? What was the point of that?
With a jolt, I remembered growing up with grampa the pedophile. He never victimized me, but my mom and many others. We all loved him for many reasons, but we watched out for him because who knew when he might make very unwelcome advances. I can clearly remember many trips with him when I would end up being alone with him. I felt so scared and grossed out. Yuck. So I suppose that I evaluate everyone for safety. I constantly evaluated him, to keep myself safe.
Whewwww. Life is confusing. I really did love that old pervert. He was more like my father, really. But a sick man, too.
More later,
Fabu