Got into a major fight with my man two days ago, and just now started again for a second. I can't believe how fucking defensive he is. Two days ago, I got upset because he had no pictures of me on Facebook, and we got into a huge fight, because he felt criticized. Now, I am sitting on the couch trying to do my work, and Matt mentions my reading glasses. I know, or at least I think I know that he doesn't like them, but he swears that he didn't mean that. Of course, he won't tell me what he means, just starts being an asshole. I got mad and asked him to go in the other room, and he told me no, you. So then it escalates, and finally, after using his terrible tone of voice on me, he goes to leave the house. So I follow him, grab him and try what he tried with me. Held him, but it didn't work, he insulted me because I asked him to be nice, and I was extremely hurt. So I walked away, went in the bedroom and cried for a bit. Then I went and got my phone, glaring at him along the way. I lost my temper in the bathroom, kicking over the trashcan and throwing a fit. He left the house then, which is good. I now have no idea where he is, and I fucking don't care. I hate the way he talks when he gets defensive. Nasty and mean. So what do I do? NOT apologize, and NOT take my part. I am over that. I will take my part here. I could have believed him. I can't read his mind, and I could have just said that. But I got into my I know stuff, and that was it. I don't know what to do, I am sad and feel like there is no resolve. So we talked in IM a bit. At least I know he is coming home. But I could sure use some reasuring words. And there you go.
Stupid fucking fights
no resolve
are we going to destruct?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Universal Infinity
Nothing highlights my need for boundaries more than this irrational terror that I have about the universe being endless. Since I first learned about it, thinking about it has caused me a great deal of anxiety. If I don't divert my mind, I end up in outright terror. What is it about the concept of endlessness that is so scary? My life is finite. I was born, and grew up. Now I am aging and someday I will die. So that isn't quite as scary. All of those are knowns. But this endlessness. This vision of galaxy upon galaxy, or minerals unlimited, of masses and swirling vortexes that have no beginning and no end? Jesus! It makes me so scared.
How do scientists purport to 'map' this endlessness? Seems ridiculous to me. How do you plan for the unaccountable? How do you schedule infinity?
I had to write this, because it is one of the constant hints about me that is revealing. I get sooo upset when I think about it. Always have. I do think that was why when someone told me about God when I was young, I immediately thought that that sounded like a great idea. A God as big as the unending universe? Maybe that could keep me safe. If God is as big as the universe, then maybe God can help me conquer some of my own demons. Just maybe.
Fabu out.
How do scientists purport to 'map' this endlessness? Seems ridiculous to me. How do you plan for the unaccountable? How do you schedule infinity?
I had to write this, because it is one of the constant hints about me that is revealing. I get sooo upset when I think about it. Always have. I do think that was why when someone told me about God when I was young, I immediately thought that that sounded like a great idea. A God as big as the unending universe? Maybe that could keep me safe. If God is as big as the universe, then maybe God can help me conquer some of my own demons. Just maybe.
Fabu out.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I weigh 176!
Jesus!
I am terrified right now. All of the weight demons are chasing me, with drooling fangs and sharpened, 22 inch claws. They are out to destroy me! They will not stop until I am 250lbs.
God help me! I vow to not eat past 7pm, period!
I vow to only eat raisins for breakfast, period!
I vow to eat no more than 1600 calories in a day, period!
These goals will keep me safe for awhile.
In any case. I am triggered by Matt having lost weight. He looks thin! Can you imagine? He is really thin. He probably weighs around 190. Crazy.
So it makes me feel strange, like he will start putting pressure on me to loose weight also. Like he will look at me and feel disgusted by my chub.
I love being neurotic.
Well, I have my vows. We shall see how it goes.
I am terrified right now. All of the weight demons are chasing me, with drooling fangs and sharpened, 22 inch claws. They are out to destroy me! They will not stop until I am 250lbs.
God help me! I vow to not eat past 7pm, period!
I vow to only eat raisins for breakfast, period!
I vow to eat no more than 1600 calories in a day, period!
These goals will keep me safe for awhile.
In any case. I am triggered by Matt having lost weight. He looks thin! Can you imagine? He is really thin. He probably weighs around 190. Crazy.
So it makes me feel strange, like he will start putting pressure on me to loose weight also. Like he will look at me and feel disgusted by my chub.
I love being neurotic.
Well, I have my vows. We shall see how it goes.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Mother's Day
Hi all,
All being me and all the myriad parts of myself that are so divided. I was reading over my earlier blogs, and I wrote something very deep. I said that my dis-ease had painted me into a corner. On the one hand, I feel deeply anxious and ashamed when I vomit, and on the other hand, I feel The Wanting.
You know what? I am slowly creating a third state: that of not focusing so much on my food. Even, dare I dream, of not focusing so much on myself. In a meeting recently, someone said that growing out of narcissism is not about thinking less of yourself, but of thinking of yourself less. So these days I am focusing on getting up and doing something, rather than pondering myself and all of the things I dislike about myself. I also notice that the more I contemplete these things, the more things I notice that I dislike. Difficult, because that means that there are virtually endless qualities about myself that I find lacking. When, however, I let myself alone, I begin to feel more and more accepting of myself.
Education should be, and is becoming, my passion. These kids need an education, and I must conquer my own fear that there are certain kids that cannot learn. Not that they are incapable intellectually, but that their lifestyles, family systems, neighborhoods, and histories make this unlikely. What does that mean? That I don't necessarily believe that every kid will get an education. DO I think each kids deserves an education? Of course. There is no child, regardless of their cognitive, emotional, or behavioral issues, that I would point to and say, "not him." But it is not realistic to think that we can really educate all. It is sort of like owning a house. Even if all were capable of this (I submit that they are not), thanks to overpopulation, there are not enough houses for all. Not enough BY FAR.
In any case, my title for this blog is Mother's Day. So, Happy Mother's Day to all.
Fabu out.
All being me and all the myriad parts of myself that are so divided. I was reading over my earlier blogs, and I wrote something very deep. I said that my dis-ease had painted me into a corner. On the one hand, I feel deeply anxious and ashamed when I vomit, and on the other hand, I feel The Wanting.
You know what? I am slowly creating a third state: that of not focusing so much on my food. Even, dare I dream, of not focusing so much on myself. In a meeting recently, someone said that growing out of narcissism is not about thinking less of yourself, but of thinking of yourself less. So these days I am focusing on getting up and doing something, rather than pondering myself and all of the things I dislike about myself. I also notice that the more I contemplete these things, the more things I notice that I dislike. Difficult, because that means that there are virtually endless qualities about myself that I find lacking. When, however, I let myself alone, I begin to feel more and more accepting of myself.
Education should be, and is becoming, my passion. These kids need an education, and I must conquer my own fear that there are certain kids that cannot learn. Not that they are incapable intellectually, but that their lifestyles, family systems, neighborhoods, and histories make this unlikely. What does that mean? That I don't necessarily believe that every kid will get an education. DO I think each kids deserves an education? Of course. There is no child, regardless of their cognitive, emotional, or behavioral issues, that I would point to and say, "not him." But it is not realistic to think that we can really educate all. It is sort of like owning a house. Even if all were capable of this (I submit that they are not), thanks to overpopulation, there are not enough houses for all. Not enough BY FAR.
In any case, my title for this blog is Mother's Day. So, Happy Mother's Day to all.
Fabu out.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The God Story
I was at an FA meeting when I first got 'clean', and I heard the most wonderful nugget. I have added to it and embelished it for artistry.
A starving man sat on the sidewalk, fists clenched tightly around two small scraps of bread, his last morsel of food. He silently lifted his eyes to the Heavens, and prayed for deliverance from the Hell of his life.
God appeared to him, and asked, "what is it that troubles you, son?" The starving man stared in wonder at God, and said, "I am starving, too afraid to eat my remaining food, and too weak to attempt to get anything else to eat." God smiled lovingly at the man, and said, "You are stronger than you think! You brought me here! Now, give me your hands, and I will heal you." The starving man looked down at his clenched fists, and slowly raised them towards God. "I can't let my food go!" He sobbed the words, arms raised in supplication, food clutched still. God again smiled, because God loves us regardless of our behavior. He put one hand on top of the clenched fist of the starving man, and said, "Let go. You are cared for."
The starving man began to weep anew at these words. His fists spasmed, as though he were trying to convince himself that he would survive. "Let go, I will care for you." God remained touching the man gently on top of his clenched fists, smiling at him. He seemed so sure that the man would be alright. Slowly, oh so slowly, the starving man began to loosen his grip. As he did, God slipped a hand in each of the man's, and pulled him to his feet. He took the scraps of bread, and placed them on the ground, generous lunch for smaller beings. God turned the starving man around by the shoulders, and before them sat a small hut. God guided the man into the hut, and there was a bounty of food. Chicken, apples, bread and fruit of all kinds. The man fell to the feast. God let him eat for a few moments, then pulled him gently away from the table. "Easy, my son. This is a magical table, and will remain full for you as long as you are humble, grateful and hardworking. " God smiled a final time, and disappeared.
Fabu out.
A starving man sat on the sidewalk, fists clenched tightly around two small scraps of bread, his last morsel of food. He silently lifted his eyes to the Heavens, and prayed for deliverance from the Hell of his life.
God appeared to him, and asked, "what is it that troubles you, son?" The starving man stared in wonder at God, and said, "I am starving, too afraid to eat my remaining food, and too weak to attempt to get anything else to eat." God smiled lovingly at the man, and said, "You are stronger than you think! You brought me here! Now, give me your hands, and I will heal you." The starving man looked down at his clenched fists, and slowly raised them towards God. "I can't let my food go!" He sobbed the words, arms raised in supplication, food clutched still. God again smiled, because God loves us regardless of our behavior. He put one hand on top of the clenched fist of the starving man, and said, "Let go. You are cared for."
The starving man began to weep anew at these words. His fists spasmed, as though he were trying to convince himself that he would survive. "Let go, I will care for you." God remained touching the man gently on top of his clenched fists, smiling at him. He seemed so sure that the man would be alright. Slowly, oh so slowly, the starving man began to loosen his grip. As he did, God slipped a hand in each of the man's, and pulled him to his feet. He took the scraps of bread, and placed them on the ground, generous lunch for smaller beings. God turned the starving man around by the shoulders, and before them sat a small hut. God guided the man into the hut, and there was a bounty of food. Chicken, apples, bread and fruit of all kinds. The man fell to the feast. God let him eat for a few moments, then pulled him gently away from the table. "Easy, my son. This is a magical table, and will remain full for you as long as you are humble, grateful and hardworking. " God smiled a final time, and disappeared.
Fabu out.
This is fucking ridiculous!!
Dear Fucking Diary,
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I feel abandoned by Matt. He triggered my jealousy by a conversation he had with a coworker today. I heard warmth in his voice, and felt jealous. He didn't want to talk to me about what went on at work, and his tone to me has been matter-of-fact all day.
So my feelings are hurt. So fucking what. I got my computer and came in the bedroom to get away from him, and here he is! Oh well.
Too bad for me. The good news is that I remain abstinant. Still no vomiting. I got off of the cleanse fairly decently. I did overeat some, but not too much. Mostly my standard (these days) raisins and almonds. It was hard mostly because I wanted so badly to lose weight, and I weighed myself on day 7, and I was a whole fucking 3 pounds down. So discouraging. I put the scale upstairs. I have no business ever getting on it. It is bad for me.
I feel anxious. Looking for the bad thing. Is it SSU? My job? My relationship with Matt? What is heading to Hell?
I wonder at my own propensity for being scared. So hard for me when Matt shuts down. Just hard. And I try and be loving about it, but I am stricken with fear about our future. My shit, I know.
What a trip I am today. Just yesterday, I was the observer, and today I am IN my shit. Yesterday I felt loved and confident. I was ok, and didn't look at my partner to convince me of my worth, or to prove his love to me. He did make me dinner, after all.
I am powerless. I can say what I don't like, and then I gotta let it go.
Boo hoo. I feel sad and fucked up. I am supposed to be 'purging' by writing this, but I don't feel particularly relieved. I feel concerned about how I will handle my feelings. I know how he will handle his: he will shut up, and shut down. I, on the other hand, have options. I can say my peace and attempt to take care of myself. Which is what I did tonight. '
The real issue is that I make these moments mean something. Which they don't. They really don't mean anything. Just that he is the opposite of me, but no less deserving of my compassion and respect. Which I can also demand from him.
So, that is the victory. I win. My love really is unconditional. It does not depend upon people giving me attention. I love.
Fabu out
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I feel abandoned by Matt. He triggered my jealousy by a conversation he had with a coworker today. I heard warmth in his voice, and felt jealous. He didn't want to talk to me about what went on at work, and his tone to me has been matter-of-fact all day.
So my feelings are hurt. So fucking what. I got my computer and came in the bedroom to get away from him, and here he is! Oh well.
Too bad for me. The good news is that I remain abstinant. Still no vomiting. I got off of the cleanse fairly decently. I did overeat some, but not too much. Mostly my standard (these days) raisins and almonds. It was hard mostly because I wanted so badly to lose weight, and I weighed myself on day 7, and I was a whole fucking 3 pounds down. So discouraging. I put the scale upstairs. I have no business ever getting on it. It is bad for me.
I feel anxious. Looking for the bad thing. Is it SSU? My job? My relationship with Matt? What is heading to Hell?
I wonder at my own propensity for being scared. So hard for me when Matt shuts down. Just hard. And I try and be loving about it, but I am stricken with fear about our future. My shit, I know.
What a trip I am today. Just yesterday, I was the observer, and today I am IN my shit. Yesterday I felt loved and confident. I was ok, and didn't look at my partner to convince me of my worth, or to prove his love to me. He did make me dinner, after all.
I am powerless. I can say what I don't like, and then I gotta let it go.
Boo hoo. I feel sad and fucked up. I am supposed to be 'purging' by writing this, but I don't feel particularly relieved. I feel concerned about how I will handle my feelings. I know how he will handle his: he will shut up, and shut down. I, on the other hand, have options. I can say my peace and attempt to take care of myself. Which is what I did tonight. '
The real issue is that I make these moments mean something. Which they don't. They really don't mean anything. Just that he is the opposite of me, but no less deserving of my compassion and respect. Which I can also demand from him.
So, that is the victory. I win. My love really is unconditional. It does not depend upon people giving me attention. I love.
Fabu out
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wow! Day 53. I skip so many days, but I feel it's important for me to write today because I am on day 5 of The Master Cleanse, and am feeling overwhelmed at this second with rebellious feelings of deprival, abuse, 'no fun!', etc.
I am such a compulsive overeater, that I struggle to put the food down, period. I am doing this because I want change in my food behaviors. Food and yummyness is not all there is to life, I am sure of it, yet that is how I have lived much of my life. I float from one 'treat' to another, as though even being on the planet is not treat enough.
I am shaky and a bit bummed today, and yesterday I was euphoric. I am in The Wanting, because I am hungry.
It is going to be so important to come off of this thing carefully, so I am not sent into a spiral of binging and, let's face it, purging.
I keep thinking of specific types of foods, foods that I cannot imagine eating without vomiting, like pesto, alfredo, etc. And I think, so I can never have these again? 'Cause if I did, I would have to puke. But really, there are so many ultra yummy things to eat that I don't have to vomit up, and that is what I need to focus on.
So, my fear is that I will come off of this and lose it, like I did coming off of the rice and fruit diet in 1996. Some key differences are that in those days, I binged daily. Today, I am a bit more accustomed to watching my food and taking care to eat for health. Those days, I was miserable in a relationship where I felt mostlly hate for my partner. TOday, I have a loving partner who, though not perfect, surprises me all the time with his love and committment. Those days, I was not hopeful about my recovery, but felt stuck and angry. Today I am in Alanon, and I am free.
So, I guess that debunks all that shit.
Another issue is that the weekend is now, and I want to have fun. To me, fun means that I eat something yummy. This weekend, being at school will actually be sorta helpful. I can stay busy and cleanse as I do that. Today is day 5, tomorrow day 6, and I should be feeling no pain by Sunday.
After all, I have my whole life to eat delicious and healthy food. For today, my gift to myself is having this experience in its entirety.
Fabu out.
I am such a compulsive overeater, that I struggle to put the food down, period. I am doing this because I want change in my food behaviors. Food and yummyness is not all there is to life, I am sure of it, yet that is how I have lived much of my life. I float from one 'treat' to another, as though even being on the planet is not treat enough.
I am shaky and a bit bummed today, and yesterday I was euphoric. I am in The Wanting, because I am hungry.
It is going to be so important to come off of this thing carefully, so I am not sent into a spiral of binging and, let's face it, purging.
I keep thinking of specific types of foods, foods that I cannot imagine eating without vomiting, like pesto, alfredo, etc. And I think, so I can never have these again? 'Cause if I did, I would have to puke. But really, there are so many ultra yummy things to eat that I don't have to vomit up, and that is what I need to focus on.
So, my fear is that I will come off of this and lose it, like I did coming off of the rice and fruit diet in 1996. Some key differences are that in those days, I binged daily. Today, I am a bit more accustomed to watching my food and taking care to eat for health. Those days, I was miserable in a relationship where I felt mostlly hate for my partner. TOday, I have a loving partner who, though not perfect, surprises me all the time with his love and committment. Those days, I was not hopeful about my recovery, but felt stuck and angry. Today I am in Alanon, and I am free.
So, I guess that debunks all that shit.
Another issue is that the weekend is now, and I want to have fun. To me, fun means that I eat something yummy. This weekend, being at school will actually be sorta helpful. I can stay busy and cleanse as I do that. Today is day 5, tomorrow day 6, and I should be feeling no pain by Sunday.
After all, I have my whole life to eat delicious and healthy food. For today, my gift to myself is having this experience in its entirety.
Fabu out.
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