Hi all,
I am sad sad sad. Now having a daily bulimic relapse. It ain't forever, I have proven that to myself, but getting away from this is sooo brutal. And with this daily relapse comes pain from my relationship. I counted on his words, though I didn't believe him. He did his best with what he had, and his best was lying and leaving. AND, I saw him.
Avatar. I should have seen it in the theatres. Before I met Matt, I told myself that I wanted passion and connnection and REAL. Well, I got it. Now I am telling myself I want forever. I am done with serial monogamy. If God can't bring me forever, then I want NOTHING. If I can't go the distance with someone, then keep them out of my life. I NEVER wanna be HERE again. It is too all-consuming! I need my energy for my boy, my career, myself. This obsession over drama is BULLSHIT. Thanks for hearing me GOD.
Fabu out.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wow
I just read the last two posts, and I wonder if I am a multiple personality. Seriously. The first is this authentic, pain-filled woman, not blaming, just living in the truth of an ending/new beginning. I even called the break-up a miracle, and Matt my beautiful. And then I wrote a SCATHING email, still trying to get him to SEE. Progress is that I didn't send it.
So I am all of these things, feel all of these things, live all of these truths. And am confused, sad, angry, hopeful (about future men, not Matt), scared, anxious, baffled, and battered.
I had a fight with Rhiannon. It was brutal, and I will never be her friend again. She went for my jugular with her cruel words and ridiculous accusations. And I lost my temper and jumped in the mud with her. What can I do to make sure that I NEVER have to act like that again? I hate that me. When I get super angry, I shake, and am totally incapable of controlling my words. When it is over, I am invariably filled with shame and fear. What have I broken this time?
In truth, I think that my break-up with Matt has a lot to do with my rage. Which is not to say that if I hadn't done that we would have made it. Matt would have found a way to destroy us no matter what. I have this feeling that true intimacy is IMPOSSIBLE for him.
Ok, not for me to judge. Moving on!
Fabu out!
So I am all of these things, feel all of these things, live all of these truths. And am confused, sad, angry, hopeful (about future men, not Matt), scared, anxious, baffled, and battered.
I had a fight with Rhiannon. It was brutal, and I will never be her friend again. She went for my jugular with her cruel words and ridiculous accusations. And I lost my temper and jumped in the mud with her. What can I do to make sure that I NEVER have to act like that again? I hate that me. When I get super angry, I shake, and am totally incapable of controlling my words. When it is over, I am invariably filled with shame and fear. What have I broken this time?
In truth, I think that my break-up with Matt has a lot to do with my rage. Which is not to say that if I hadn't done that we would have made it. Matt would have found a way to destroy us no matter what. I have this feeling that true intimacy is IMPOSSIBLE for him.
Ok, not for me to judge. Moving on!
Fabu out!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Romance and the TRUTH
So why is it so hard for me to stay in reality regarding Matt Martin? He said to me, "I am done, get over it." Even if he came back to me on bended knee, the pain of his slow withdrawal from me predicts the future. He is not able to be with me, to be committed to me. He is just who he is, but that person is not for me.
I let you go, Matt. I wish you all the passion, connection, romance, peace and love that I desire for myself.
Fabu out
I let you go, Matt. I wish you all the passion, connection, romance, peace and love that I desire for myself.
Fabu out
The Break-up Diary Day One
No folks, it isn't day one. In fact, I have no idea what fucking day of this break up this is. All I know is that it is hella fucking confusing and upsetting still. And if I am honest, it isn't not being with him, it is that I was given up on. I feel soooo abandoned.
Here is the email that I wrote to him, then deleted.,
I am warning you now that I am going to say things you don't like, so feel free to delete this without reading it. I am writing it for me, anyway.
Don't judge me for the way I process. You don't have to like it. You bailed on us. Totally, and now I am PISSED. Too much contact with you makes me sgtart thinking about how you promised so many fucking things. How you said that we would have this same fight a thousand times, how you would never leave me. You must have said that to me 100 times. And I STOPPED telling you we should break up, because I had given my commitment. And you left. Damn astrology, damn your issues, damn you. You will have this happen, as it has repeatedly, until you face that YOU have no capacity for REAL relationships. NONE. The minute the shine is off, you start to back away. God forbid anyone tell Matt Martin anything he doesn't wanna hear, you will leave them forever. And your hundreds of superficial relationships only insulate you from your core loneliness. Don't you SEE that?
But that is all your choice. You do what you want. Keep your foolish romantic ideals and dive into relationship after relationship and bleed more women with your passion and adoration, and then your emotional abandonment. Fuck, you have how many notches on your belt already?
So, while you helped me, changed me, AFFECTED me, I was nothing to you. Do you know how that feels? And that may very well not be true, but you never COMMUNICATED my importance, which was the crux of my anxiety the whole fucking time. From the moment you shared your sex addiction, and completely judged me for being scared. God, you thought that was selfish of ME? How about sharing something like that with no care how it would affect someone you claim to love.
You want to know the truth? You can't stand having true IMPACT on anyone. Yet you seek it, attract it, seem to CRAVE it. You used to walk into the house in some FOUL mood, blurting obscenities and slamming doors, and then be pissed that it was upsetting. Jesus Matt, don't you see how ridiculous that is? How can that NOT affect the people around you?
I really gave myself to you, partly because you coaxed me into believing that we could make it work. And then the stupid Dallas crew was more important than me, Holloween was more important than me. Raw food clubs were more important than the relationship. Anything that distracted you from your own fucking misery was preferable to me, who was still living in the fantasy that we were gonna be a we. The threesome that was so fun, even that now seems yucky. You won't talk about ANYTHING with me, because you don't like how I answer you. You have told me now, many times, that the problem is me. Yes, you have. You told Brittany, "we get along fine if I don't talk." Are you fucking delusional? We fight because the VERY first thing you hear that you don't like, you shut down and begin emotional abuse. So many things you have said ring in my ears and hurt me. I feel judged and misused. You think the girl you fell in love with is gone? Fuck, I'm right here!! And where are you? Who are you 'mesmerized' by today?
I hate this breakup. I feel like a fool for believing that you would really hang in there with me. It is too late, so don't think I'm asking you for anything. I'm not. I know that I am now the past, and that you never go back.\
Deborah
Here is the email that I wrote to him, then deleted.,
I am warning you now that I am going to say things you don't like, so feel free to delete this without reading it. I am writing it for me, anyway.
Don't judge me for the way I process. You don't have to like it. You bailed on us. Totally, and now I am PISSED. Too much contact with you makes me sgtart thinking about how you promised so many fucking things. How you said that we would have this same fight a thousand times, how you would never leave me. You must have said that to me 100 times. And I STOPPED telling you we should break up, because I had given my commitment. And you left. Damn astrology, damn your issues, damn you. You will have this happen, as it has repeatedly, until you face that YOU have no capacity for REAL relationships. NONE. The minute the shine is off, you start to back away. God forbid anyone tell Matt Martin anything he doesn't wanna hear, you will leave them forever. And your hundreds of superficial relationships only insulate you from your core loneliness. Don't you SEE that?
But that is all your choice. You do what you want. Keep your foolish romantic ideals and dive into relationship after relationship and bleed more women with your passion and adoration, and then your emotional abandonment. Fuck, you have how many notches on your belt already?
So, while you helped me, changed me, AFFECTED me, I was nothing to you. Do you know how that feels? And that may very well not be true, but you never COMMUNICATED my importance, which was the crux of my anxiety the whole fucking time. From the moment you shared your sex addiction, and completely judged me for being scared. God, you thought that was selfish of ME? How about sharing something like that with no care how it would affect someone you claim to love.
You want to know the truth? You can't stand having true IMPACT on anyone. Yet you seek it, attract it, seem to CRAVE it. You used to walk into the house in some FOUL mood, blurting obscenities and slamming doors, and then be pissed that it was upsetting. Jesus Matt, don't you see how ridiculous that is? How can that NOT affect the people around you?
I really gave myself to you, partly because you coaxed me into believing that we could make it work. And then the stupid Dallas crew was more important than me, Holloween was more important than me. Raw food clubs were more important than the relationship. Anything that distracted you from your own fucking misery was preferable to me, who was still living in the fantasy that we were gonna be a we. The threesome that was so fun, even that now seems yucky. You won't talk about ANYTHING with me, because you don't like how I answer you. You have told me now, many times, that the problem is me. Yes, you have. You told Brittany, "we get along fine if I don't talk." Are you fucking delusional? We fight because the VERY first thing you hear that you don't like, you shut down and begin emotional abuse. So many things you have said ring in my ears and hurt me. I feel judged and misused. You think the girl you fell in love with is gone? Fuck, I'm right here!! And where are you? Who are you 'mesmerized' by today?
I hate this breakup. I feel like a fool for believing that you would really hang in there with me. It is too late, so don't think I'm asking you for anything. I'm not. I know that I am now the past, and that you never go back.\
Deborah
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I am filled with pain, courage, and a deep and penetrating feeling of sadness and loss that switches out with an amazement that I am alive at all. . .
Oh boy,
I love writing this blog as though people are actually reading it. I am bulimia free today, but only a week. I have thrown up 5 times since I quit a year ago. I am STILL abstinant. Know why? Because each time I have thrown up, I have lost so much ground with ED, that I remember it the next time I want to. The truth is that I don't need to over eat, and if I do, I don't need to throw up. If I do, then I will eat to feel less sick and shaky, and then I will overeat for days as I readjust.
So. My beautiful Matt and I broke up. Which is a miracle. I would have stayed, had he not started pulling away. But he did, and here we are, broken up a month ago yesterday. How I adore him, how I DON'T miss him. I miss the sex, for sure. I miss my fantasy (I have spent HOURS sobbing over that loss), but not him. Because, we don't really do very well together. I blame him, he blames me (I think we both really blame ourselves) but we can't communicate. Period.
I recognize this: I need healing around my father's absence and abandonment of me. I bring that HUGE pain to every relationship with a man, and ask them to fix it. And they do, for aminute. And then I hate them for FAILING at something they had no power over in the first place. And they HATE me for expecting something impossible of them. I know that men tend to need to be able to fix things, and I need them to. But it is impossible. My pain is about THAT man. And my shame. I feel such a HUGE amount of shame over my part in the demise of this relationship. And yet. Was it doomed from the beginning? I think so. Can two RADICALLY different conflict resolvers live in peace? Maybe, but not us. So I am SAD, and I grieve. But I do so with my arms wide open, and with this as my prayer: "I am open to feeling joy! I am open to having my story about this breakup change and shift! I am open to a feeling of gratitude and an excitement about the future!" What is really cool about this is that I am also open to the pain. But not to wallowing in it. . .
I wish more people read this! I wish I was making some kind of an impact. But I guess the impact is on me~!
Love me!
Deborah
I love writing this blog as though people are actually reading it. I am bulimia free today, but only a week. I have thrown up 5 times since I quit a year ago. I am STILL abstinant. Know why? Because each time I have thrown up, I have lost so much ground with ED, that I remember it the next time I want to. The truth is that I don't need to over eat, and if I do, I don't need to throw up. If I do, then I will eat to feel less sick and shaky, and then I will overeat for days as I readjust.
So. My beautiful Matt and I broke up. Which is a miracle. I would have stayed, had he not started pulling away. But he did, and here we are, broken up a month ago yesterday. How I adore him, how I DON'T miss him. I miss the sex, for sure. I miss my fantasy (I have spent HOURS sobbing over that loss), but not him. Because, we don't really do very well together. I blame him, he blames me (I think we both really blame ourselves) but we can't communicate. Period.
I recognize this: I need healing around my father's absence and abandonment of me. I bring that HUGE pain to every relationship with a man, and ask them to fix it. And they do, for aminute. And then I hate them for FAILING at something they had no power over in the first place. And they HATE me for expecting something impossible of them. I know that men tend to need to be able to fix things, and I need them to. But it is impossible. My pain is about THAT man. And my shame. I feel such a HUGE amount of shame over my part in the demise of this relationship. And yet. Was it doomed from the beginning? I think so. Can two RADICALLY different conflict resolvers live in peace? Maybe, but not us. So I am SAD, and I grieve. But I do so with my arms wide open, and with this as my prayer: "I am open to feeling joy! I am open to having my story about this breakup change and shift! I am open to a feeling of gratitude and an excitement about the future!" What is really cool about this is that I am also open to the pain. But not to wallowing in it. . .
I wish more people read this! I wish I was making some kind of an impact. But I guess the impact is on me~!
Love me!
Deborah
Friday, September 11, 2009
REALITY BITES, but barfs right afterwards. . .
So I just threw up that huge binge, after reading that laxatives only stimulate your bowels, but do not do anything about the food you ingested. I feel euphoric, of course, because that STUFFED, I am getting HUGE feeling is gone.
But I don't wanna be an active bulimic anymore. I hate this eating disorder. I hate it and I need help. But where and from whom? I don't know.
I guess I really do know. I will go back to FA. That is my last hope for recovery from my food addiction. It is either get better, or go back to either morbid obesity or active bulimia.
I need prayers and help.
God? I have so much to be grateful for. I am healthy physically, I have lots of stuff. But I don't have any relationship of trust with myself. No wonder I think Matt will betray me! I CONSTANTLY betray myself. I hurt myself everyday by eating food I don't want that makes me gain weight. I hurt myself with self-destructive and avoidant behaviors around money. I hurt myself with my rage against others, mostly my baby boy. I am so desperatelyunhappy with myself. And maybe the truth is that I need to find peace first, then food recovery next. I don't know.
Fabu out
But I don't wanna be an active bulimic anymore. I hate this eating disorder. I hate it and I need help. But where and from whom? I don't know.
I guess I really do know. I will go back to FA. That is my last hope for recovery from my food addiction. It is either get better, or go back to either morbid obesity or active bulimia.
I need prayers and help.
God? I have so much to be grateful for. I am healthy physically, I have lots of stuff. But I don't have any relationship of trust with myself. No wonder I think Matt will betray me! I CONSTANTLY betray myself. I hurt myself everyday by eating food I don't want that makes me gain weight. I hurt myself with self-destructive and avoidant behaviors around money. I hurt myself with my rage against others, mostly my baby boy. I am so desperatelyunhappy with myself. And maybe the truth is that I need to find peace first, then food recovery next. I don't know.
Fabu out
God! Tag! You're it!!
I am super unhappy right this second. I just had a MONSTER binge. I have been eating sugar just like I can, and having occasional binges that shake the bulimic rafters SO badly that I cannot believe that I actually haven't barfed. I have fucked with laxatives, tonight in fact. And I NEVER weigh myself.
I am actually THRILLED right now. I know what I need to do (eat a foodplan WITHOUT sugar of any kind, besides fruit) and I didn't throw up. I just keep thinking, if I throw up, I am still gonna be chubby, still gonna be desperate, and will have the additional issue of having RELAPSED.
Not that what I ate tonight could be considered anything less than a relapse. I guess the real point is that I am willing to give myself over to God and FEEL the awful feeling of being sick from carbs and sugar. . .
Fabu out
I am actually THRILLED right now. I know what I need to do (eat a foodplan WITHOUT sugar of any kind, besides fruit) and I didn't throw up. I just keep thinking, if I throw up, I am still gonna be chubby, still gonna be desperate, and will have the additional issue of having RELAPSED.
Not that what I ate tonight could be considered anything less than a relapse. I guess the real point is that I am willing to give myself over to God and FEEL the awful feeling of being sick from carbs and sugar. . .
Fabu out
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